Fasting and Failing

Well, I am trying fasting again on this lovely, sunny Friday. Two weeks ago, my attempts at fasting ended in my driving to Ruby Tuesdays at 3 in the afternoon, consuming a large plate of fried appetizers, and then feeling like a total failure.

Last night, as I was praying/falling asleep (don't they go together at night?), it occurred to me that tomorrow is Friday and it would be a good idea to try fasting again. So I resolved to try. It is now after 2p.m., so I am coming down the home stretch. I have thus far survived the temptation of breakfast, the preschool baking banana bread, and having a lunch meeting in which I drank water. It might even be easier for me to schedule a lunch meeting and announce I am fasting... that is some good accountability!

As I was thinking about fasting this morning, and why I am drawn to this discipline, a few things came to mind. First,I am drawn to fasting because it makes me feel that I am doing something serious/real/important/extreme(?) to live out my faith. That feels rather self centered! But it is true. Also true is that I do want to be more God centered. And fasting is supposed to be a way of focusing on the only real need I have: my need for God.

Second, I like the idea of dedicating a day of fasting and prayer to a particular cause or concern. This morning, I settled on asking God to help me identify with and pray for people who aren't fasting by choice...they are just plain hungry today.

Third, I have this sense that if I can just get practiced at this fasting thing, I will discover there is a depth of God's presence somehow entangled with fasting that can only be experienced by practicing fasting. I have not yet arrived there... but I remain hopeful! I have, however, discovered that there is a depth of back pain that goes with fasting. My chiropractor says that abdominal pain (aka: hunger) is often referred to the lower back. I try to remind myself that part of the purpose of fasting on Friday is to identify with Christ's suffering on the cross.

I remember reading someone's account of committing to fasting once per week for a year. She wrote that it took her many months to get beyond the surface level and get any serious spiritual insight from it. She was glad she had made the commitment to keep fasting once per week for a year. Here's hoping...

Hmmmm

I have been trying to write a post for the past hour. (And this is not the post I worked on.) Because the first family computer arrived in our home in the early 80s, I learned to use a keyboard before a mouse was standard. As a result, I am as likely to use keystroke commands as I am a mouse. Tonight, my keystrokes have failed me. I have accidentally deleted parts of that post two separate times. I am tired of rewriting what I have already written! Perhaps it is the Spirit trying to persuade me not to publish that post!

So, I am going to bed soon. But first, I going to write about how I see God working in our community.

First, an update on the rotating homeless shelter. Both Town Point and Trinity voted to support hosting the shelter at Town Point for 7 days, provided we have the servants to support the effort. We are gathering names of volunteers now, and a final vote will be the 2nd Tuesday of October. Both meetings were Spirit filled. There is no question that this is a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal). I think there is also no question that this is the Spirit of Christ. Jesus is rather literally knocking on our door, asking if we will give him a refuge from the winter cold. I am so grateful to see the community in which I am blessed to pastor stepping out in faith to welcome people.

Second, it is such a blessing to see how God is using Jacob's Well. I had a conversation this week with a new person at JW, and she talked about much of a blessing it is for her, and how much life and excitement she sees present. Our average attendance since the mailing went out at Labor Day has been 140. Several of the leaders gathered tonight to work on logistics, and God continues to lift up new servants to fill more roles. Today, an article about Jacob's Well was published in Leading Ideas, which is a newsletter published by the Lewis Center for Church Leadership at Wesley Seminary. I received emails from people all over with encouragement and/or questions...very cool. What a tremendous reminder of how much work the Spirit is doing in our midst. I get so bogged down in the details sometimes, I don't rejoice in the big picture enough. As Lori Goldsmith reminds me well, growing pains are good pains.

Finally, I met with Patrick today about creating a new video ministry. We even thought of a possible name: Video Pericope. Pericope refers to a passage of Scripture. What do you think? Our first project is going to be about God's grace, and we are going to use an image of a front porch, front door, and then buying and moving into the house to describe God's grace before we know it's there (front porch-prevenient grace)...God's grace when we come to faith (walking through the door, deciding to move in- justifying grace)...and God's grace when we continue the journey of faith (moving our stuff into the house and living there- sanctifying grace) This is a very different place from where we began. Again, it felt very Spirit led. (Thanks to Steve Manskar for the imagery I read in his book Accountable Discipleship.)

So thanks be to God and good night.

Rotating Homeless Shelter

If you read the post on August 25, Grieving God's Heart, you know about the homeless situation in Elkton. The Meeting Ground is the non profit parent of two of the three homeless shelters in our County. They are spear heading a movement among the churches to establish a rotating homeless shelter that would move from church to church from November 7 to March 18.

The churches will offer the shelter between 5:30 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. We would pick up folks from a designated place, transport them to the shelter site, and then take them back in the morning. The church would provide dinner, breakfast, and a bag lunch for 20-25 men, women, and children. The guests would be screened by the Meeting Ground and required to adhere to shelter rules. In addition to providing shelter from the cold, the shelter would provide a place for homeless folks to connect with social services to work to move them into jobs, housing, and addiction treatment.

We will be discussing this at the Administrative Council meetings at Town Point (7p.m. 9/19) and Trinity (7p.m.9/26). My hope is that we will decide to host 2-3 weeks of the 25 weeks the shelter is open. It will take a volunteer team of site supervisor and 15-20 servants to make this happen for the week.

I am interested to hear feedback and ideas from within and outside of our community.

Sabbath Blessed Me

After so many posts on Sabbath, I have to write about what a blessing my Sabbath day was yesterday. I take Mondays as my Sabbath. I had been feeling somewhat overwhelmed and behind and therefore in a generally lousy mood for several days. So I journaled. I prayed. I fasted. I brooded. I wished. I contemplated why exactly God had called me to be a pastor (and then remembered, which is helpful.)

Then I spent Monday resting on the Sabbath. My husband let me sleep in (he is such a blessing). I took some time to run some errands just for me (Ray took Shannon to preshcool and kept Jacob with him for errands. Did I mention he is a blessing?) We had a nice family lunch together; Shannon helped me make brushcetta. We all took took naps. Then we went to my sister's for dinner, and the kids all had a great time playing together. Sara made a special dessert that was fabulous.

And when I awoke this morning, I found that I feel generally better! Sabbath is so wonderful.

In the midst of all of this, I have also realized that I MUST keep my office more clean, because it contributes to feeling overwhelmed. So, the 2005 mail is my first step...

Friday Five

I am part of a webring called revgalblogpals. They sell a TShirt I might need to own: "Does this pulpit make my butt look big?"

If you look at the side bar of this blog, you'll notice the link. It is a group of clergy and laity, mostly women, who share in life and ministry through posts on line. I have never participated in the Friday Five, but I am joining in today. It is a question or questions that each person answers on their own blog. Since I am feeling scattered and kind of funky, I found the question to be God sent. It is: "What are five things you have enjoyed this week?"

1. Being at the beach. We came home from a week's vacation at the beach on Monday. The coming home part was not so much fun. But the being on the beach part, after many days of rain thanks to Tropical Storm Ernesto- priceless.

2. Snuggling my children. This one always makes the list. I love snuggling.

3. Talking in a class at Wesley Seminary on Wednesday. Dr. Scott Kisker asked me to come and share my experiences with covenant discipleship groups in the local church for the introductory class. I really enjoyed it.

4. Going to the National Zoo. After Wesley, I spent the night with my family at my mother's house outside of D.C. So Thursday we spent on the metro and walking around the National Zoo. The kids are at an age of absolute wonder. I enjoyed seeing the kids enjoy the animals. (On a side note I have always suspected there is something slightly wrong with me- I have never been fascinated with animals.)

5. Celebrating my husband's 35th birthday. He turned 35 on Wednesday. We have more celebrating left to do, since I was at the Seminary that day. The kids and grandparents had a birthday cake together...and of course we went to the zoo.

Swirling

I was on vacation at South Bethany Beach, DE this past week. It did not rain for almost all of August...and we went on vacation with Tropical Depression Ernesto. I refused to allow it to depress my spirits and still had a wonderful vacation. We actually made it onto the beach for four of the seven days. The beach really is quite lovely without all of that hot sun!

One of the things that happens to me when I am on vacation is that I get out my routine with everything...including spiritual disciplines. I used to beat myself up about this. But for the past few years, I've been trying to take the advice of my spiritual director, who almost always closed our sessions by saying "Amy, stop being so hard on yourself."

So rather than worry about my routine, I have tried to look for evidence of God's grace in new ways. I love to walk on the beach. As I walked on Wednesday, amidst the gathering storm, the wind was whipping my hair around and I thought about the wind of the Spirit. I felt as though the Spirit was swirling around me, evidenced by the wind and waves. I was reminded of David McAllister Wilson, President of Wesley Seminary, when he talked about the church remembering how to breathe. We breathe in and exhale the Spirit all of the time, yet we can become strangely unaware of it's presence. As the wind swirled, I felt as though God was surrounding me in every conceivable direction from within and without.

I thought, too, about how the Spirit is often most palpable when a storm is gathering. It is not in the calm, easy places of life that I am most keenly aware of God's presence. It is in the swirling, churning, wind whipped times that I can feel God most powerfully.

Grieving God's Heart

On the front page of our local newspaper yesterday, there was an article in the Cecil Whig about the department of Public Works confiscating the belongnings of at least eight homeless people in Elkton. These are people with NOTHING who now literally have absolutely nothing. I am still angry. These people, our most vulnerable citizens, were sleeping in an area behind a strip center of businesses in Elkton. One of the men managed to put some food and personal hygiene items in a back pack and hide it in a near by bush. But when he went to try to retrieve it, the police threatened to charge him with littering, carrying up to two years in jail and a $2,000 fine. He didn't get his stuff.

So my husband went to the Community Kitchen a week earlier than scheduled, to deliver kits with tolietries. They will be given to folks who need them. I expect that when we have the Kanal Kitchen meal tomorrow here at Trinity, there will many stories.

I called Carl Mazza, the leader of Meeting Ground. This ministry provides shelters for the homeless community in our County. He said he was blessed and encouraged by my call; I was glad to have someone understand and agree with my sorrow and anger. He said that he is so jaded after so many years in this ministry, that he cannot even get angry about it. He can only react. That made me hold even more tightly to my anger and passion, even as I was amazed at the simultaneous depth of his response and lack of anger.

Carl shared that on Sept. 6, there will be a county commissioner meeting in Elkton at 7p.m. I am encouraging folks to attend. (Unfortunately, I have a commitment to be in Washington D.C. that day/night.) He also said that Meeting Ground will be looking to partner with at least a dozen local churches to house a rotating shelter for folks on cold winter nights. Cecil County simply lacks the capacity to accomodate the homeless population that is now present. I hope and pray that our church family will be one of the first to say that we will welcome these folks into temporary shelter for at least one week this winter.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say "God helps those who help themselves" or "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps." And it certainly does not say "it is not our responsibility to give them a place to live" to quote Mr. Storke in the article.

But Scripture is filled with references to care for the poor, the stranger, and the alien among us. In the Hebrew Bible, God teaches us to remember that God delivered the Hebrew slaves out of Egypt. To honor God for all God has done, and to remember that God's people were once slaves, aliens, foreigners, and generally unwelcome people, God commands his people to care for folks who are in similar circumstances.

Translation: to show your love for God, and to remember your true indentity, show love and compassion for poor and oppressed folks.

Jesus continues this teaching in the New Testament when he says in Matthew 25 when we serve someone who is hungry, naked, sick, or in prison, we are serving Christ himself. The blessing of this flows two ways: the person in need has their material needs met, as well as experiences God's grace in action. The person providing for someone's material needs is given the blessing of seeing the face of Christ right here, right now.

I know that anger, when well directed, is a God given emotion to motivate change. I hope that God uses me and our community of faith to respond to this injustice. This is a matter of life and death; literally so for homeless folks. And for people of faith, it is a matter of spiritual life and death. To ignore this would to be ignore Christ.

Explaining Evil to a Four Year Old

Question: How do I answer my daughter, age four, when she asks me what evil is?

We pray the Lord's prayer every night. We also rotate among the Apostle's Creed and a prayer adapted from the Book of Common Prayer (Watch, O Lord, with those who wait, or watch, or weep tonight. Give your angels and saints charge over those who sleep. Tend your sick ones, O Lord Christ. Rest your weary ones. Bless your dying ones. Soothe your suffering. Shield your joyous ones, all for your love's sake.)

So far, we have variously discussed the meanings of the words tend, weary, soothe, suffering, shield from the BCP prayer, and from the Apostles creed several words which have now escaped my memory.

But when she hears and says "deliver us from evil" and asks me to explain evil, I know my explanation is insufficient because she keeps asking. I am interested to hear your ideas.

More Sabbath Suggestions for Practice

I have been reading Wayne Muller's book Sabbath again, and he ends each chapter with suggested Sabbath practices. So here are some more ideas:

Silence: take time for silence. It is in the silence that God is found. For the constantly busy, silence can seem intimidating, even frightening. It may be that by allowing silence, all sorts of emotions and thoughts we want to avoid come to the surface. To begin to allow them to come is to allow spiritual depth to take root. It is to experienc life more deeply.

Silent Meditation: One form is to simply follow the breath. "Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Let yourself become aware of the physical sensation of the breath, feeling the shape, texture, and duration of the inhale and the exhale. Do not change your breathing, do not strain or push in any way. Simply watch the breath breathe itself. Feel the rhythm of the breath, feel its timing, the end of the exhale, the readiness to inhale. When the mind wanders, as it will, do not worry. Simply return to the awareness of your breath. Start with five minutes." Then think about what you have noticed about the rhythm of rest in your breathing and in your body.

Sabbath walk: this is a good way to spend silent time. Eugene Peterson and his wife take a Sabbath walk every Monday morning. They walk leisurely with out speaking, and break their silence with prayer over a picnic lunch. Then they share their reflections and observations.
A Sabbath walk does not have a destination. It is more of a stroll, an ambling. If you see something that looks interesting, stop and look at it. Move on when you feel ready. After 30 minutes, stop and reflect upon what has happened to your body, mind, and sense of time.

Sabbath box: Create a box to hold all of the things you won't need: palm pilot, wallet, computer disc to represent the computer, etc. You could write down worries, concerns, tasks still to be done, and put the scraps of paper in the box as a way of symbolically giving them over to God's care.

Prayer: these are Sabbath moments throughout the week. Choose a time, or a cue, for prayer. Does a bell ring at a particular time(s) in your daily routine? Use it as a cue for prayer. It can be a simple moment to connect with the divine rhythm.
(If you are interested in a book that offers written prayers five times per day, check out Phyllis Tickle's book trilogy The Divine Hours. I use these off and on and when I am on, I am blessed by them. Click here for a link to The Divine Hours: Prayers for Summertime. Click here for a link to The Divine Hours: Prayers for Autumn and Wintertime. Click here for Divine Hours: Prayers for Springtime)

Lectio Devina: This is Spiritual Reading of Scripture. Choose a short passage of Scripture (or other inspirational/spiritual literature)and then quietly reflect on it. "Do not analyze or try to figure out its meaning. Allow it to quietly work on you, as leaven in bread, or water over a stone. The key is to read slowly, chew over the words, and allow them to quietly nourish and heal you."

Thank you notes

One of the foundational verses for the entire Protestant Reformation is Ephesians 2:8-10: For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God- not the result of works so that no one may boast. For we are what he has made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand to be our way of life.

When I read this verse, I always think of Martin Luther, the Catholic priest/monk/Greet New Testament Scholar who founded the Protestant Reformation and ultimately the Lutheran Church. He was, by any one else's standards, a good and holy guy. But he lived in continuing fear that no matter how much good he did, it was never enough to ensure he would go to heaven. He was even told by his priest in his monestary not to come back to confession until he actually had some sin to confess. Luther was known to go to confession multiple times in one day, so great was his fear that he was not doing enough good to go to heaven.

Ephesians changed his life. Literally, it was the watershed that freed him from his fear that he was not good enough. It has been important in my journey too. It is a verse which proclaims that salvation is not my own doing- it is a gift of God's grace given to me through faith. For me, even faith was difficult. Ultimately, I discovered that faith and grace have much in common: they are both given as gifts by God. Often, they are inexplicably given, wrapped up in mystery that must simply be accepted, for it cannot be reasoned with.

The correct order of things is not 1. do all the good you can do and 2. hope that is enough to earn yourself a spot in heaven. According to Ephesians it is 1. Accept the gift of God's grace and 2. spend your life writing thank you notes.

The order of things really makes a difference. In the first scenario, I am left with nagging doubts about whether I am is "good enough." The real answer is actually, no, I'm not good enough. But God loves me just the way I am! And out of gratitude for that awesome truth, I spend my life writing God thank you notes. They look like good works. Ephesians 2 goes onto to talk about these in the verses 9-10.

I think it's really really important to be clear about the order of things. It is the difference between bondage and freedom, fear and love, worry and joy. I come across SO MANY folks who really are plugging along, trying to work their way into heaven. And I believe that God honors folks who do good. But there is little joy in this way of living. Thank you note living is a different story. Thank you note living is living each day gratefully, thankful for the Joy that is Jesus. It provides purpose, and a desire to serve God in the ways God has equipped me to serve. I don't have to do things I am not particularly gifted for becuase it's not about doing anything and everything I can find to do to ensure myself a spot. It's about discovering how to travel with God on this journey in ways that bless others and ultimately myself. It's about using my God given gifts not for earning points but for the sheer joy of serving and loving.