Pain

I recently saw an acquaintance whom I have met perhaps three times in the past ten years. He and I share something of a common bond, in that he was once an ordained member of my denomination. He now works in a different field, after being called in an entirely different direction. As you would expect, pastoral ministry comes up in our conversations whenever we cross paths.

This time, he said a few things that have stayed with me. First, he commented that the work he does now (which I would not consider low stress) is nothing compared to the stress of pastoral ministry. His words were "I have never done anything harder in my life." The second was that he said "it's amazing how nobody has any problems once you stop being a pastor....everybody is doing just fine." Then he commented that he misses the sense of connection that he shared with church folks when he was a pastor. (I did wonder later what his current church community life is like; I didn't ask.)

His words have stayed with me for a few weeks. The underlying premise of them is this: the bonds between people in a community of faith are rooted in soil that is heavily fertilized by shared pain. As much as I rail against this truth, as much as I really don't like this truth because pain is just so painful, the premise rings true.

These past few weeks have been especially pain filled. Some who are reading this blog will think immediately of a painful situation we are facing in our community. That is a big part of what is on my heart, but that is not the only pain to which I am referring.

Part of what it means to be an active part of a community of faith, is sharing life together... the joys, celebrations, love, peace, hope, and shared purpose....and the pain, grief, sorrow, anger, doubt, and fear. There is a seldom a week that goes by that my heart does not break with someone as they share something that is happening or has happened in their lives. I think the most difficult pain is the old pain that has been nursed and nurtured for years, even decades, for this means that God's healing grace and forgiveness has not penetrated the pain, and it has been allowed to have transforming effects on the person's whole life.

Of all of the people whose lives I have been given the privilege of sharing in large or small ways, I have yet to find someone who has not experienced emotional pain. It is a part of being alive.

I have to say that right now, today, I am feeling worn out by it. I wish with every fiber of my being I could be free from experiencing my own pain, and free from feeling the pain of others. Sometimes I think that the spiritual gift of compassion is just exhausting. Yet I know that God uses it.

I am thinking of two passages of Scripture. The first is from the beatitudes in Matthew, which Jesus preached during the sermon on the mount. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:3-4). Also my favorite verse from 2Cor.12:9: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I know that God is working through the pain to bring redemption. I keep reminding myself there is no resurrection without a crucifixion; that Christ is most powerful when I am weak and depending upon him.

So I am holding onto hope, onto God's promises, and God's presence. I am grateful for God's care for me in the form of my family, and my church family. I have no idea how people survive without a community of faith....yet I can understand the urge to try to lead a less painful, less complicated life by steering clear of such relationships. I suppose that is the irony; although more relationships in the form of a community of faith certainly bring more opportunities for pain, they are also the only source I know of the path toward healing and wholeness. That seems to be a part of the mystery of God.

As I was preparing for my sermon last week, I came across a Wendell Barry poem that ends with the line "practice resurrection."

One of the lines says "expect the end of the world." I read today a line in a magazine that said "look at life as a terminal illness and live it to the fullest." Grim as those words may sound, they are also ringing true to me. I am going to enjoy myself as much as humanly possible today.

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

Love the quick profit, the annual raise
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie easy in the shade. Rest your head.
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

Fasting, Simplicity, and Solidarity

Lent began on Wednesday. I was blessed to be a part of a fabulous Ash Wednesday service at Ebenezer AME, hosted by our Ecumenical Association. I really appreciate the shared ministry and shared witness of our Ecumenical Association;I am grateful to God for this lay led group. It is fabulous.

Ray and I often share similar or overlapping spiritual commitments during Lent. Last year, when he gave up TV, I mostly gave it up with him. Although it was by default rather than design, it was still a tremendous blessing. We spent many extra hours just sitting and talking.

This year, we have decided to do a financial fast of sorts. We are trying to live on the equivalent of minimum wage. Our hope is that we will experience a deeper sense of what it is to fully rely on God for our provision, that we will live in solidarity with those who have no choice but to live on minimum wage, that we will learn more about how to sacrifice and submit ourselves to God's will through the overlapping disciplines of simplicity and fasting.

Several folks have asked how exactly we figure out the nuts and bolts of doing this. We did our best to calculate the monthly income of earning $6.15/hour for 40 hours and then 10 hours of overtime at $9.22. (I can tell you that if I lived in Cecil County and worked at minimum wage, I'd probably be commuting over the state line to Delaware, where they earn $7.15! But that is not part of our assumption.)

Assuming one of us works and the other takes care of the kids, we figured that after housing and other living expenses, $100 per week for food, gas, and other expenses would be our plan.

Although I do try to live by the discipline of simplicity in general, having my spending controlled by these parameters is a different experience. We are writing down every cent we spend. Spending 75 cents on some small snack at a convenience store seems ridiculous. Making as much as possible from scratch, and stretching our food to put off grocery shopping an extra day or two has gone to a whole new level in our house.

You know what? Right now, it's sort of fun. It is a challenge that after 3 whole days, we have been able to meet. Rather than go out for lunch with some folks from church, I made chicken salad, and we ate at home. And I saved the broth from cooking the chicken, which will become soup for dinner tonight.

This makes me question whether there is any solidarity or shared suffering happening. But I know that one of the blessings of simplicity is the joy of realizing how little material needs I truly have, and how much God really provides if I pay attention. So right now, that blessing seems to be happening.

One of the goals of spiritual practices during Lent is to begin habits that will be a part of our journey long after Lent is over. Although I don't expect to live on $100/week forever, I do hope that this fast, and our desire to live more deeply into the practices of simplicity, submission, solidarity will find fertile soil in our lives.

I'll let you know how it goes after more than 3 days have passed!

In the meantime, I invite you to read this Invitation to Observe a Holy Lent. This comes from the United Methodist Book of Worship. It is something that I find to be a blessing every year to review and reflect upon.

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ:
the early Christians observed with great devotion
the days of our Lord’s passion and resurrection,
and it became the custom of the Church
that before the Easter celebration
there should be a forty-day season of spiritual preparation.
During this season converts to the faith were prepared for Holy Baptism.
It was also a time when persons who had committed serious sins
and had separated themselves from the community of faith
were reconciled by penitence and forgiveness,
and restored to participation in the life of the Church.
In this way the whole congregation was reminded of the mercy and forgiveness
proclaimed in the gospel of Jesus Christ
and the need we all have to renew our faith.
I invite you, therefore, in the name of the Church, to observe a holy Lent:
by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self-denial;
and by reading and meditating on God’s Holy Word.
To make a right beginning of repentance,
and as a mark of our mortal nature,
let us now bow before our Creator and Redeemer.

Extremes?

I have just finished reading two books at the same time. This is really not so unusual in the sense that I am part way through several books at any given time. But these two have both been commanding my attention to such a degree that I read them both just about every day.

It struck me today that they represent the balance of Christian life:

loving God and loving and serving other people.

The Covenant Disciple Group movement, which I love so much for the sense of authenticity I see in it, is rooted in this very idea....that to live a balanced life involves being intentional about public worship and justice, and personal devotion and compassion.

Eat, Pray, Love is in one of my favorite genres: personal spiritual autobiography. (Not sure that is an actual name of actual genre...but basically it is Gilbert's personal story of her faith journey.) After a difficult divorce, Gilbert spends 4 months in Italy (eating) and enjoying herself, then four months at an Ashram in India, doing yoga and meditating, then four months in Indonesia (Bali to be exact) learning to integrate pleasure and devotion. She ultimately falls in love with a new man. Her descriptions of experiencing transcendence, of meditating and being transported into God's presence left me longing for that type of experience too.

Irresistible Revolution is more of a theology book, written very accessibly, which is really part autobiography and part Bible study, calling the church to some serious action. If we really believe in loving our enemies, and that God's Kingdom is found on the margins and among unlikely (and generally poor) people, then the church should be practicing these things. Claiborne is one of the founding members of the The Simple Way. This is a community in Philadelphia that lives in a poor section of the city, in solidarity with the neighborhood, trying to love people as Jesus does. They live as simply as possible, and do all kinds of things to bless those around them, with things like a community garden, after school tutoring, food assistance, etc. They are a part of a movement called "new monasticism"

It also strikes me that both of these authors are around my age. This did not really strike me until I had completed both books. I think this is part of the reason I really resonated with both of these authors...we are part of the same tribe. (Note: it is an odd feeling to realize that from now on, more and more authors will be my age. I think I am going to enjoy reading even more, if such a thing is possible.)

These books leave me longing for an even deeper faith life. I want it all (Lord, help me, it's true). I want a prayer life that transports me into the presence of God, and a public life that is dedicated to ministry on the margins of society (a.k.a. the heart of God's Kingdom)

My husband and I have been talking about trying (for a month) to live on minimum wage as a way of being in solidarity with people who work hard and end up with far too little. This feels like a good next step. We are looking at January.

I also want to go and visit some of the new monastic communities...and who knows, perhaps someday, an Ashram! (In the meantime, I think some more intentional yoga is in order.)

What I really want is live the most authentic life of faith that I can...these books have opened doors in my imagination of what is possible.