Baking

It is official. My baking desires have taken over. I love to bake. I have baked cookies Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday night this week. I have made sugar cookies; they are in my freezer waiting to be frosted. I have made white chocolate chip shortbread cookies; they are going fast. Last night I had a sudden craving for these cookies (while I was taking a yoga class...I don't think that says good things about my meditative practices...)

Since this is what has been on my mind this week, I am sharing the recipe I made last night. (I don't have the other ones handy at the moment...perhaps I will share those later) I don't use very impressive recipes. I got this from the internet. The white chocolate came from the Toll House bag... you get the idea. I just enjoy baking.

The Preschool director said I should just bake for a living... isn't she kind? Honestly, there are days when that sounds like a FABULOUS idea . Enjoy....

Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal No Bake Cookies:

2 cups granulated sugar
1/2 cup cocoa
1/2 cup butter or margarine
1/2 cup milk
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2 cup peanut butter
3 cups oatmeal

Mix the sugar and cocoa in a heavy saucepan. Add the butter and milk. Bring to a boil, but do not boil longer than one minute.

Add vanilla, peanut butter and oatmeal. Stir till completely mixed.

Before the mixture cools down, quickly drop spoonfuls on waxed paper to set.

God helps those...

...who help themselves. I expect that is what you thought of when you read the title, right?

I read an article a few years ago about this phrase. It made two interesting points. First, it is impossible to find the "saint" in Christian history who supposedly coined the phrase. Second, that this appears no place in Scripture.

The author of the article literally tracked through dozens of books and publications, tracing their footnotes, looking for the original source of this phrase. It had been credited to everyone from St. Augustine of the 5th Century, to John Wesley, the 18th Century founder of Methodism, to John Wesley's mother. All told, the writer found more than 20 different citations citing as many sources for this phrase, none of which turned out to be true!

The author went on to note that a survey of the average American walking down the street would probably be nearly certain that this phrase appears somewhere in the Bible. It does not.

He went on to make an excellent point: if anything, the opposite truth is found in Scripture. God helps those who rely on God. God helps those who cry out for help. God helps those who need grace. I think this is why the writer could not find "God helps those who help themselves" in any writings of saints. They all know that the opposite is true.

I was sharing this in a sermon two weeks ago. There is a family in our community of faith who have been doing amazing things with their elementary school age kids. They are teaching them how to get into worship in a traditional setting. They have begun reading and singing the hymns, and saying the prayers, and listening to the sermon, and even talking about the sermon later. (As you can imagine, this warms my heart and gives me great hope.)

So imagine my joy today when the mother emailed me to say that her daughter came home flustered from having a substitute teacher that day in school. Apparently, her regular teacher encourages students to help one another. (I think this is fabulous. What a great way to encourage team work, shared learning, and generally looking out for one another.) The substitute was not accustomed to this type of goings on in the classroom, and was fussing at one of the students for being helpful. The substitute used the phrase"God helps those who help themselves" in her admonishment.

The daughter came home and said "but Mommy, Pastor Amy said that is not true, didn't she?" And it opened the way for another conversation on the topic.

I visited with a grieving family today. I shared my thoughts on the importance of feeling emotions, and of teaching our children (especially our boys) that it is OK to cry, to feel bad and sad and angry and guilty and all of the things that accompany things like an untimely death. How much better would the world be if we stopped pretending that we humans have no vulnerabilities, that "God helps those who help themselves" and instead live in the truth that God helps those who cry out for help?

Extremes?

I have just finished reading two books at the same time. This is really not so unusual in the sense that I am part way through several books at any given time. But these two have both been commanding my attention to such a degree that I read them both just about every day.

It struck me today that they represent the balance of Christian life:

loving God and loving and serving other people.

The Covenant Disciple Group movement, which I love so much for the sense of authenticity I see in it, is rooted in this very idea....that to live a balanced life involves being intentional about public worship and justice, and personal devotion and compassion.

Eat, Pray, Love is in one of my favorite genres: personal spiritual autobiography. (Not sure that is an actual name of actual genre...but basically it is Gilbert's personal story of her faith journey.) After a difficult divorce, Gilbert spends 4 months in Italy (eating) and enjoying herself, then four months at an Ashram in India, doing yoga and meditating, then four months in Indonesia (Bali to be exact) learning to integrate pleasure and devotion. She ultimately falls in love with a new man. Her descriptions of experiencing transcendence, of meditating and being transported into God's presence left me longing for that type of experience too.

Irresistible Revolution is more of a theology book, written very accessibly, which is really part autobiography and part Bible study, calling the church to some serious action. If we really believe in loving our enemies, and that God's Kingdom is found on the margins and among unlikely (and generally poor) people, then the church should be practicing these things. Claiborne is one of the founding members of the The Simple Way. This is a community in Philadelphia that lives in a poor section of the city, in solidarity with the neighborhood, trying to love people as Jesus does. They live as simply as possible, and do all kinds of things to bless those around them, with things like a community garden, after school tutoring, food assistance, etc. They are a part of a movement called "new monasticism"

It also strikes me that both of these authors are around my age. This did not really strike me until I had completed both books. I think this is part of the reason I really resonated with both of these authors...we are part of the same tribe. (Note: it is an odd feeling to realize that from now on, more and more authors will be my age. I think I am going to enjoy reading even more, if such a thing is possible.)

These books leave me longing for an even deeper faith life. I want it all (Lord, help me, it's true). I want a prayer life that transports me into the presence of God, and a public life that is dedicated to ministry on the margins of society (a.k.a. the heart of God's Kingdom)

My husband and I have been talking about trying (for a month) to live on minimum wage as a way of being in solidarity with people who work hard and end up with far too little. This feels like a good next step. We are looking at January.

I also want to go and visit some of the new monastic communities...and who knows, perhaps someday, an Ashram! (In the meantime, I think some more intentional yoga is in order.)

What I really want is live the most authentic life of faith that I can...these books have opened doors in my imagination of what is possible.

Thanksgiving Gift

I received a precious gift this morning. It came in the form of a phone call from a woman I first met more than eight years ago. She was a member of the church I served before coming to Chesapeake City. Laura (not her real name) was a woman who was seeking after all the big answers when we first met. She was depressed, unhappy in her marriage, struggling with her nearly grown children, and genuinely trying to figure out how to live well. She and I spent many hours together in worship, Bible study, service, and around her kitchen table. I came to care deeply for her.

I like to joke that I never received my magic God wand in the mail. I had hoped it would finally arrive when I was ordained, but alas, it seems to have gotten lost in the mail. I have so many uses for a magic God wand!

In absence of that, I listened, prayed, and tried to love Laura. She tried to figure out how to open herself up to God and learn to trust and to be loved.

She called this morning to say thank you for letting God use me to bless her. She has relocated a bit north. She has accepted her marriage for what it is, and is not. She has accepted her children. Most of all, she has been blessed by her relationship with God. She even landed in my home church. Small world.

As we were studying Scripture this morning, the lectionary gospel lesson is the crucifixion story in Luke 23. Just after Jesus cries out "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing" the guards begin casting lots for his clothing. They don't even register what Jesus has just said. Then someone challenges Jesus to save himself, if he is who he says it is. But that was not the appointed hour. The appointed hour was still three days away, when he would rise, overcoming sin and death. How difficult it must have been to endure the time for what it was, trusting God in the midst of his suffering.

Every time I sit, listen, cry, and pray with someone, I long for God to heal them, to heal me, to end this difficult time. Usually, it is not yet the time. The healing, the resurrection, is coming. But I spend most of my time in the not yet. What a gift to be given another glimpse of God's faithfulness, love, and healing.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle

I finished reading Barbara Kinlsolver's book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food of Life. It was a great read that has influenced my thinking.



The premise of the book is that she and her family focused for a year on eating almost entirely locally. They did this for multiple reasons. First, out of concern for the environment-so much of our food is shipped from such distances that the fuel alone is hard on creation.

Second, out of a desire to eat really good food, which is best when it is in season and fresh (and of course free of chemicals and pesticides).

Third, out a desire to bless the local economy, believing that if all people ate locally, farmers would be able to make a living with sustainable, organic agriculture. Agribusiness farming practices include horrible animal conditions and producing tomatoes based upon their ability to ship well as opposed to taste good.

Finally, agribusiness farming is leading to a shocking drop of biodiversity on our planet (thousands of plant species that were once raised by farmers around the world are just gone from the planet now) being replaced by genetically modified foods. I do find it a persuasive argument that we could be courting disaster (famine) with genetic modification and limited diversity. It strikes me that playing God is never safe.

Changing my ways...

The idea of buying locally, organic, and free range seems so obvious now. I am surrounded by great opportunities. I just need to take advantage of them. There is Locust Point Farm which is less than 2 miles from my home, as well as Nickerson's Meats a few miles in the other direction, and Rumbleway farm on the other side of the county that is certified organic. (If you click on the Locust Point farm link, you'll see them all listed along with others.)

At Locust Point, I can get eggs fresh off of the farm, organic milk and cheese from free range cows brought from Chambersburg PA (not exactly local, but certainly better), and fresh free range chicken they raise, as well as local beef, pork, etc.

Detwilers Farmers Market is on the same road (Locust Point, just down from Baker's Restaurant). They offer fresh local produce from spring through fall, along with baked goods, eggs, jelly, etc.

Then there is the farmers market that opened in Middletown, the farmers market on Kirkwood Hwy. in Newark, and the market in New Castle on Route 13. (I am not sure about the one in Elkton. I didn't find anything local or organic at that one.) Granted, not all of these are offering all local goods, but I have a much better chance there.

And my best year round option for local, fresh, organic food is at Newark Natural Foods Co-Op. They have a real live farmers market with local farmers Spring, Summer, and Fall on Sundays from 10-2. In addition, the co-op is a year round great source of just about everything.

Finally, I discovered Calvert Farm which offers a Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) subscription. They offer farm fresh produce, delivered weekly to many locations, including the Newark Co-op. So I am finally going to subscribe to one (I have contemplated in the past).

I have also been inspired to begin using my bread machine again, using organic flour and such.

Last but not least, I want to learn to make cheese. Yes, that is typed correctly. I want to learn to make cheese. In the book, Kingsolver has a recipe for mozzarella in 30 minutes. Who knew making cheese is about as simple as having milk, the right cultures, and a few other ingredients! I am hoping to receive the cookbook for Christmas (if I can wait that long).

I have to confess, though, that a big part of the book was about their garden. Ray and I have tried a garden for the past four summers. We are just not good gardeners. So the jury is still out as to whether will again be trying to be produce food as local as our back yard.

I recommend the book. It is as entertaining as it is interesting and informative. Regardless of whether you read it or not, I invite you to join with me in eating more locally and in season. It's good for people and good for creation.

This is the difference...

On Sunday evening, we hosted some clergy family friends at the house for dinner. Ray and I are most motivated to clean house in response to someone coming over. The dining room table was cleared for the first time since August 25 (Jacob's 3rd Birthday party). The clutter from all over the house was either sorted through and thrown away, or hidden in the basement.

As I was making dinner preparations, Ray was doing a great job of leading the cleaning brigade. Jacob is able to push the vacuum cleaner, which he loves. Shannon was into polishing the dining room chairs. Ray sprayed on the wood polish, and Shannon dusted her little heart out.

We even got out the china, which we have not done in more than a year, I am sure. I was embarrassed to discover that some of the dishes still have sale stickers on them. Mind you, we have been married for 12 years.

As we were all going about our tasks, Shannon paused and said "this is the difference between having cousins over for dinner and other people over for dinner."

We all had a good laugh. My daughter sure is an observant 5 year old.

A Beautiful Day

I was sitting in our staff meeting this morning, looking at the beautiful fall colors appearing outside my window, noticing the gently swaying tree limbs in the autumn wind. I had a strong desire to be outside, walking around.

As soon as the meeting was over, I went out for a walk. I was entirely enchanted with Chesapeake City. I try not to shop unless I need things (too tempting to buy things that I do not need), but since I was without my wallet, it was fairly safe. I browsed through several gift shops. I went into Vulcan's Rest, where people can learn to knit, crotchet, weave, make baskets, quilt, and do other things I have never heard of. I thought to myself how many people have such an amazing store like this in walking distance? Here I serve in this beautiful little town, full of lovely shops, restaurants, B&Bs, that is all on the water...and how often do I get out and just enjoy it?

As I walked around town, I thought about how much I am enjoying life (especially since I have given up feeling overwhelmed!) and how I really should just enjoy every day more. Then I went to lunch with six other people from church and had a lovely time.

Then, I started feeling guilty. Shouldn't I be concerned about feeling complacent and comfortable? Shouldn't I feel a sense of urgency? Shouldn't I be suffering for the sake of the gospel?

And I wonder why it is so difficult to just enjoy the life God has given me.

So, perhaps I need to add "give up feeling guilty for enjoying myself" to my list of things to give up...

Living Emotions

I was talking with a friend about how disappointed I am in some people in my life. I am grieving over (what I can only call) a lapse in integrity. He pointed out that I should get used to the fact that people are disappointing. This was said in honest concern for me. While I appreciate that this is reality- people sin, people fall short, people disappoint people- I was reminded of one of my pledges to myself and God. I would rather be in relationship with people, with all of the associated risks, and then go through grief and pain when I am disappointed, as opposed to shut down and "protect my heart" from such pain.

My pledge is rooted in having spent time hearing stories (mostly from other clergy) who have shut down emotionally because they are tired of being hurt and disappointed. One of the choices that a person can make after loving, trusting, or otherwise being in relationship and then experiencing something that hurts is to stop taking some of the risks of relationship. This happens greater or lesser degrees, depending upon the person.

One of my personal convictions is that God did not give us emotions so we could pretend that we do not have the difficult ones (i.e. anger, pain, grief, disappointment, fear). So often humans respond to pain and hurt as if it should not be a part of life. I have not discovered any evidence or orthodox Christian teaching that supports this notion.

So I have determined that I would prefer to be fully alive, which includes all of the pain, rather than shut down. Appropriate boundaries are vital. Healthy relationships, with good, realistic expectations are important.

But here's the thing, and there is no getting around this: relationships are risky and people sin. Given a choice between opening my heart, and being optimistic, followed by later experiencing pain or not opening my heart at all, I believe in relationship.

I think part of my effectiveness as a pastor is rooted in my ability to be in healthy relationship. I also think that the "negative" emotions (like anger, disappointment, pain) are the ones that have the power to motivate change.

So I'm hurt, disappointed, grieving... and that's life.

Certainty

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to do a dry run of a talk I am giving on a Walk to Emmaus weekend. These are 3 day retreats that use 15 talks and small group discussion, among other things, to offer folks a chance to grow in faith and discipleship. I am giving the talk on prevenient grace.

I used an image I read in a book by Steve Manskar. The image of grace- prevenient, justifying, and sanctifying- can be analogous to the front porch, doorway, and main rooms of a house. The front porch is prevenient grace- the grace into which we are born, before we even know there is grace. This is the grace that comes before, the grace that leads us to faith, the grace that is at work before we even recognize it is there. It is by God's prevenient grace that we discover the doorway to the household of faith- this is justifying grace. Justifying grace is when we walk through the door, and are set right with God. This is how we enter into relationship with Christ. It may a moment of walking through a door, or it may be like a long hallway (like me). Then sanctifying grace is the grace that makes us more holy, more like Christ, and allows us to grow into the person God intends for us to be.

As I was sharing this talk, I wove in some of my personal experiences of Grace. I talked about how I had questions that kept me from faith while I was in college. These included some of the biggies, like "if Christianity is the 'right' religion, then why does every human community in history and in the present have its own religious system, all claiming authority?" and "if God is so good and so powerful, why does God allow such things as the Holocaust to happen?"

For me, a big part of grace was realizing that I could experience being loved by God's people, and glimpse God's love for me, even with my questions intact. I shared that I still have questions about faith, and that this is OK. I am not God.

During the feedback time, every group commented that my honesty about still having questions was a really good thing, something they appreciated hearing, and expect that the folks on the weekend will resonate with. One woman even commented that the three-fold grace finally clicked for her (thanks Steve Manskar)

I left there reminded of how important it is to be honest about the walk of faith. This was the sole advice of a teacher I once had. "Amy, just be honest with people." I think this is why I struggle so much with fundamentalist expressions of faith. There seems little room for questions.

I was talking about this with a friend of mine. She commented about someone she is acquainted with who rubs her the wrong way because she finds him arrogant. (He is very theologically conservative.) I had this flash of thought: it requires a certain amount of arrogance to claim so much certainty about God.

I think this is why, every week, I have a certain amount of trepidation about preaching. God help me if I seem to have all of the answers- only God does. And it is my experience thus far that there are all kinds of questions for which we have not been given clear answers. I have become comfortable with that; I think mystery is preferable to any alternative. In mystery, there is plenty of love, which is all I really need (most days).

I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes by theologian Jurgen Moltmann, who writes about unsatisfying answers to the "theodicy" question...this is the fancy term for "why do bad things happen to good people?" also known as "if God is good and powerful, why do things like the Holocaust happen?"

He writes this:“It is the real task of faith and theology to make it possible for us to survive, to go on living, with this open wound. The person who believes will not rest content with any slickly explanatory answer to the theodicy question. And he will also resist any attempts to soften the question down. The more a person believes, the more deeply he experiences pain over the suffering in the world and the more passionately he asks about God and the new creation”

Overwhelming

When I was in Seminary, one of my professors used an expression I still find amusing to think about. He was the convener of our Student Pastor Track weekly conversations and the express purpose of our conversations was to share experiences and ideas, and offer support as we felt our way through Seminary and serving our first church.

Whenever it became clear that one of us would need to have a difficult and potentially painful conversation with a member of the church, our professor would call it "a prayer meeting." Others in our group would refer to this as a "come to Jesus meeting." Our convener also gave us a great barometer for whether to actually have such a conversation or let it go. He advised us that if were looking forward to having this conversation, we probably should not be having it. But if we were dreading the conversation, it probably needed to happen. I have to say, I have had very few of these types of conversations with church folks, and probably need to have had more... but confrontation is not something I seek out.

I have found, though, that God seems to have these conversations with me on occasion. And the terms "prayer meeting" and "come to Jesus meeting" feel entirely appropriate. I remember the first time I felt scolded by God. It was during my first serving Town Point and Trinity. I have always had a nagging question as to whether I should more fully live out my passion for mission and social justice by committing to full time ministry in these areas, rather than be a generalist as a pastor. I was driving to Town Point one morning, asking God if I should be leaving the pulpit and seeking other expressions of ministry. What I heard spoken to my heart was "you'll be a pastor until I tell you stop, and not before." I have not had quite a sense before or since.

More often, I have a moment of insight or clarity from God. This came this morning. I found myself feeling overwhelmed by the stewardship campaign. I was disheartened and overwhelmed that I/we are so behind in preparations for mailings, sermons, presentations, etc. Then I became discouraged by feeling overwhelmed...AGAIN. I am tired of feeling perpetually overwhelmed. "I just got finished feeling overwhelmed by Blended Ministry Parish preparations and voting" was my lament. When overwhelmed, my thoughts always turn to "there must be an easier way for me to earn a living." These were the same thoughts I was having on Sunday morning as I struggled to preach; it is always more difficult after being away for a week.

Thankfully, Lori Goldsmith, who has been serving in the office for the month of October with grace and distinction, came in prayed with me. I felt a lightening of my spirit. As I drove to covenant group, I came to what I hope is a turning point. I realized that being a pastor is it- this is the life I am called to, this is the life I have been equipped for, and this is the life I expect I will be living for the next 30 years. And I just cannot bear the thought of being perpetually overwhelmed for the next 30 years. So either I trust that God is in the midst of all of this, and that giving my best is all that God asks, or I don't. And if I really trust it, than feeling overwhelmed doesn't do any good or make any sense.

So I am giving it up- no more overwhelm. Just steady effort, giving God my best, and trusting the results in God's time. Hopefully, plenty more "come to Jesus" moments will keep me on track. It's a hard thing, this staying on track stuff....thank God for grace...otherwise it would simply be impossible!